Liz Passing Away

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Bec and I were with Liz when she passed away. She didn't die from Alzheimer's, Liz died from the ovarian cancer. It blocked her small intestine and she starved to death over a few weeks. Palliative Care South East were engaged to help care for Liz in her final 2 weeks. They installed a morphine pump and Liz was not in pain. The cancer cut short Liz's Alzheimer's journey and it felt like a blessing in disguise for all of us, Liz included.

What I experienced after Liz passed away is probably the same for anyone who loses their partner, as dementia is no longer a factor. For what it's worth, I have shared a few thoughts below:

• Palliative care providers do not always get involved unless you or the doctor from the facility requests their support. You may need to take the initiative to find out what is available and set this up. Palliative Care South East also offered me bereavement counselling as they were supporting Liz. I haven't used their services yet.

• I did not know what the process was at the facility when Liz passed away. They said I needed to contact my funeral service to have Liz's body removed within 24 hours. I had not arranged a funeral provider so there was a bit of a panic to find one. Bec helped me with this and we got a few quotes. The costs vary a lot so shop around. Don't worry if you don't know what to do, the funeral provider has plenty of experience in guiding people through the process.

• There was a lot to do in preparation for the funeral while I was going through the grieving process. Bec was grieving too but still a fantastic help and emotional support for me. Bec even wrote the eulogy. Don't try to do all of this by yourself if you can get support from family or friends. It's a lot to manage. Bec stayed with me for a couple of months after Liz passed away. I am so thankful for her generosity, love and care.

• I chose my favourite photo of Liz for the funeral order of service. It went on her Facebook page and in the photo tribute for the funeral service. I had to resize it a few times, so I ended up seeing it a lot. This turned out to be helpful because when I think of Liz, I automatically see that nice picture in my mind and not my last image of Liz dying.

• You usually need to apply for probate to get your Refundable Accommodation Deposit (RAD) returned. With Bec's help we completed the application process ourselves, as I didn't want to pay a lawyer $2K to do it. There are online guides for this. We dealt with The Supreme Court of Victoria RedCrest Probate.

• I wrote this a couple of weeks after the funeral on a bit of a bad day: I have been with Liz for 47 years and we have very much been a team for all that time. We have rarely been apart and we have grown both individually and collectively over the years. I am not the person I was when I met Liz at 19 years old but I am not sure who I am now without her. I feel like a major part of me is missing and I do not have a clear sense of self. Will I struggle with loneliness, will I be able to make new friends by myself, will I get off my arse and make my life interesting or just drift through the remainder of my days like I was drifting before I met Liz. I know the 'ball is in my court' to manage this but I am out of practice and not sure of the rules of the game.

When I looked back on that paragraph, I realised that I had not prepared at all for life without Liz. I think my priorities were all about caring for Liz and I just didn't want to think about life without her.

• Liz's Alzheimer's has made me more emotionally vulnerable than I have ever been. This has continued after Liz's passing. The tears are just below the surface and I am now quite sensitive. I was always a bit of a hard bastard and things rarely got to me. Hmm, I think 'hard bastard' is probably a bit harsh. I just had a tight grip on my emotions. I was told by my staff a number of times that I was inscrutable and they couldn't figure out the best time to approach me to ask for a favour. Staff came to me if they had problems that needed to be solved but they went to others if they needed emotional support. I think I am now more aware of other people's feelings and possibly a bit more caring. I hope so.

• The government has set up The Australian Death Notification Service to help you notify all relevant organisations. https://deathnotification.gov.au/participating-organisations I didn't use it as it was just being set up and did not have all the organisations I needed to contact. More organisations are joining so it may be helpful for you.

• After about 6 weeks, I woke up one morning and didn't feel desperately miserable. Liz still occupied a lot of my thoughts but I felt 'emotionally' a bit lighter. I came out of my bedroom and when I saw Bec, I said "I don't know why but I just sort of feel a bit more OK today. I'm not sure if it will last but I feel a bit better".

• I gradually started adjusting things in the house to meet my needs. I couldn't do it at first but after a while, I started taking things to the local Op Shop. Liz had collected a lot of things over the 40 years we were in the house. Bec helped with this before she headed off overseas. It was easier for me to do this with Bec as I felt less guilty giving away things Liz had cherished that I didn't want. Liz was a bit of a hoarder, so there is a lot to sort out. I am not in a hurry and I have given myself a year to do it.

• I hate house cleaning but I refuse to pay someone else to do it. So, I'm paying myself $35 per hour to do it and I will use the money to buy things I want. So far, I have bought all the extra equipment for my e-bike. This motivates me to clean the house as I get rewarded for doing it. I have plenty of money so I could just go out and buy what I want but I won't value it as much - (I hate dusting the most).

• People now have 'Digital Remains' that you need to manage. Google sends me photo updates to look through. I have learned not to open any from Liz's last 6 months as they contain pictures I had taken of Liz when she looked very ill.

• I have great support from family and friends and I have now taken the initiative to connect with others. I have joined a University of the Third Age (U3A) walking group and table tennis group and bought an e-bike to ride with family and friends. I keep myself busy and I enjoy doing these activities and catching up with people. However, no matter how much I enjoy these things, none of them replace what I had with Liz. It just feels like something important is missing from my life. The feeling is not there all the time and I can manage it to some extent by distracting myself with activities. "Life goes on, it's just not as good". They are not my words. One of the characters in a UK show called After Life says them after his wife has passed away. Those words neatly sum up how I feel.

Managing My Grief After Liz Passed Away

I felt no anger when Liz passed. Alzheimer's gave me time to say my final goodbyes, although I never used those words to Liz as I did not know if she understood that she was dying. More importantly, it gave me years to be the best husband and carer I could be. This gave me some peace of mind when Liz passed. I still love Liz but I know I will never see her again. The saying 'Grief is just love with no place to go', sounds nice. It reflects my feelings of longing for Liz, the person I loved for 47 years that I have lost.

I don't want to ever forget about Liz and I never expect to 'get over' my grief. Over time I expect I will be able to manage my grief and build a new life without Liz physically in it. Liz loved me and I know that she would want the best for me.

I have just Discovered There is More to Grief Than I Thought.

It is now 7 months since Liz passed away and I am gradually coming to terms with the loss. I still think about her every day and tear up occasionally but my emotional state is definitely improving. However, I'm dumb. Not dumb as in can't talk, dumb as in stuffing things up. My brain doesn't work as well as it did. I'm still quite capable of managing my life and doing complex tasks, it's just the little things I stuff up. My memory isn't as good and I need to write to-do lists every day or I forget things. I can't multitask at all. As soon as I try to do more than one thing at a time, I make mistakes. I even need to concentrate on familiar tasks to be able to do them correctly. It's sort of a 'can't walk and chew gum' issue. I am also prone to sequence errors. For example, I went to clean my glasses and sprayed the cleaning fluid on the rag instead of the glass. I have an espresso coffee machine at home and making a cappuccino involves a lot of steps. I frequently do the steps out of order if I am even slightly distracted.

I am obviously concerned about this, so I went online to see if other people have similar experiences. Given the number of articles on the topic it was obvious that this is a common outcome of the grieving process and can last for many months. In summary, the grieving process can have a direct impact on how your brain functions. Grief can make it difficult for you to think clearly and concentrate. It can increase forgetfulness and make it difficult for you to make decisions. Exactly what I am experiencing, but I anticipate this will improve over time.

As I write this paragraph, it is now 9 months after Liz passed away and I have just listened to an excellent podcast explaining the impact of grief and loss. It is an interview with David Kessler in December 2025. He is an expert in supporting people to navigate the grieving process. Just Google: 'Mel Robbins interview with David Kessler' to locate it on YouTube. You can also find it on Spotify. The podcast is called 'Your Grief & Heartbreak Will Get Better the Moment You Watch This'. It helped to clarify some things for me and I found it reassuring.

People Don't Mention Liz

I have just been for a ride on my bike at Lysterfield Lake. Going for a ride gives me time to reflect on things and it has occurred to me that I don't get to talk much about Liz anymore. She just doesn't come up in conversation with family and friends like she did. It feels strange, as I still think about her a lot every day. She was part of my life for such a long time and I don't think there would have been a day when I didn't say something to someone about Liz. It's not that people don't care; everyone asks me how I'm going and all my family and friends are very supportive. I think there are a few factors involved and it is just what happens after someone passes away. The world seems to move on quicker than you do.

• In the past, people who knew Liz would ask me direct questions about how she was going. This occurred more frequently as her Alzheimer's progressed but obviously stopped as soon as she passed away.

• In the past a generic "What have you guys been up to" question might lead me to mention something about Liz.

• Liz may have done something significant, been sick, found a good restaurant, booked a holiday, lost her car keys etc. that would provide me with a topic to add her into a conversation. This doesn't happen anymore.

• Most of my conversations with family and friends are about recent events or plans they are making. Reminiscing about the past in a way that might include Liz, is only a very small fraction of a broader discussion over dinner.

• I joined U3A and no one in the Table Tennis group knows anything about Liz. I guess this is what happens as I build a new life without her. However, Jill in the walking group was a friend of Liz and it has been comforting to talk to her about Liz.

• I also think some people don't know what to say and avoid talking about Liz in case it upsets me.

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